I had my own boudoir shoot last week for the first time ever with my boudoir crush, Super Nova Boudoir by Jennifer Lynn James. I have been working hard in the gym since July. So – at this photoshoot, I was actually SUPER confident about my body.
A Little Background
When I was 19, I’d placed 3rd at Junior Nationals for a weightlifting competition. I was athletic and fit. However, in my era, fit was not necessarily attractive. Being THIN was attractive. And no matter my size (I weighed in at 50 kilos – about 107 pounds), I NEVER looked thin. I looked fit, just not thin. And not being thin simply was not “in”.
So here I am at 44 years old, FINALLY confident in the body that God gave me. Big booty (it’s my time, Ladies!), boobs and a smaller waist. Basically – thicc – in today’s terms ;). So – during my photoshoot, I felt sexy. And when I saw the images, I truly felt confident in my body. Quite literally, for the first time in my life.
How is it that society’s changing view of what’s deemed “attractive” has been the biggest contribution to my body confidence? My AMAZING body that has birthed three children, fed them with my breast. The same body that carries me every day in health. And yet, society gets to influence how I relate to that body. It’s so sad.
I feel like i’ve struggled with some sort of body dysmorphia throughout my entire life. So to get to this point after my session has been a really amazing feeling. Since I’m only a week out from my session, I don’t think I understand the full impact of this shoot. However, I already do feel a beautiful shift in my mindset around it.
I began my ordering session with the words, “I don’t like my face.”
I’ve had many pictures taken of me throughout the years. I’m also incredibly awkward in front of the camera. So I often feel like my face looks odd.
I had a session with my counselor today and expressed these thoughts. She asked me what I didn’t like about my face. I had these super nit-picky things I said. Lips too small, profile too harsh, eyes too deepset, face too chubby.
It’s taken me over 30 years to get over my body dysmorphia. I’d say it takes up about 80% of my looks. I’m still 20% away from embracing myself entirely. However, I’m going to relish in the victory of that other 80% and be proud of that shift.
When I had my branding photos done with Ampersand-Studios, I was too embarrassed to look at the images closely at first. I told them I wanted them all. Not necessarily because I actually DID want them all, but because I didn’t want to face (pun intended) my insecurities. I wouldn’t even look at them closely until they were in my inbox for over a week.
So – in an effort to love my face as much as I’ve begun to love my body, I’ve decided on a few practical steps. One of those steps includes having at least 2 branding sessions a year. I’m hoping that this helps me feel more comfortable in front of the camera. And maybe next time, I’ll actually look at the images before telling them that I’d like to purchase them all.
I am proud of myself and embracing the growth I’ve had in loving my body over the last few years. It will take a few more years for me to love my face just as much, but at least I’m headed in the right direction.
